


Starry Night

by aesthetiChan



Category: ATEEZ (Band), Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Astronomy, Fluff, M/M, but only toward the end, i dont like tags, im sorry its a sad book, pls dont hate jisung
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-04-06 00:37:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 9,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19051723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aesthetiChan/pseuds/aesthetiChan
Summary: "Felix, why don't you come with me? Maybe hearing about the stars would provide some inspiration!"or:felix is a creative writing major with a bad case of writer's block. chan is an astronomy major with insomnia who just needs a way to fall asleep. perhaps the pair can help each other.also posted on @frozenjisung on wattpad, im not stealing!





	1. deal

It had began their first year of college, when first semester finals rolled around. Felix was getting stressed over lack of creativity; he had a huge writing assignment for his creative writing class coming up, and conveniently had one of his worst cases of writer's block yet. But his roommate, Chan, was quick to think, and developed a solution. Since he was an astronomy major, Chan would spend one of his nights recalling the stories behind constellations with Felix so he would have inspiration for his creative writing classes; in return, Felix would read the finished product to Chan when he couldn't sleep.

A year later, the deal was still going strong, and they had decided on tonight as an inspiration night. The skies were clear - as well as Chan's head. He grabbed a couple blankets, neatly folding them and setting them in the bottom of the backpack. "I'll have no trouble pointing out the stars tonight. The skies are going to be completely clear," Chan reported with a smile, speaking to his roommate, who was currently on the opposite side of the dorm room. Felix nodded with a small noise of acknowledgement. One may think giving up sleep for a roommate is extreme, but Chan didn't mind the agreement for many reasons. First off, Chan didn't lose sleep staying up at night on the courtyard. He had insomnia. He would be up anyways, at least this way he was being productive. 

Listening to Felix's voice was calming, and he would actually get some sleep after listening to his sonorous voice weave a beautifully written narrative. To Chan, Felix's voice was intoxication, a drug he would never pass up. So no, Chan didn't mind the arrangement. As long as Felix kept reading to him, Chan didn't mind laying out under the stars. Especially because he was so passionate about all aspects of astronomy. 

Abandoning the thoughts that had led Chan to begin smiling so fondly at nothing, the male changed into jeans that hugged his legs along with a simple black hoodie, since it was comfortably warm with a gentle breeze that rolled through now and then. He added two bottles of cola and a container of chocolate chip cookies to the backpack, along with pillows to rest their heads on as they under the soft glow of the stars. With a final zip of the bag, the boy ran his fingers through his hair and slung the bag over one of his shoulders. He turned around and faced Felix's direction with a soft smile. "Are you ready, 'Lix? The stars are beginning to pop out, and I think by the time we're comfortable the sky will be just perfect," he explained in a soft and shy tone; but he was not timid in any way. He was comfortable with Felix, Chan could just be a quiet person at times. When the stars woke, Earth slept, and Chan naturally respected sleep required a low volume.

"If you say so, Chan," Felix responded warmly, sliding his hoodie over his head and turning to face the other male. He was immediately breath-taken, but not by Chan's 'magnificent beauty' or something else teen movie-like. The passion in Chan's eyes was amazing. Ever since the pair met, Chan had always possessed an overwhelming passion when it came to space, but especially stars. From the way they shimmered at night to the way they moved across the sky in intricate patterns, Chan was in love. Everyone has some form of an addiction; Chan's was the twinkling glow in the night sky. Along with Felix's voice, but Chan would never admit to such a thing. 

"Well, Felix, are you ready to go?" Chan asked, looking at Felix with a soft expression. Over the span of their friendship, the pair had become extremely close, and had a bond that was unbreakable in any sense. The pair had endured many trials, and had always survived.

"Yeah, Chan. Let's go," Felix responded, smiling at Chan and following him out the door, excited to have another night together under the soft twinkle of the stars.


	2. recall

"Yeah, Chan. Let's go," Felix responded, smiling at Chan and following him out the door, excited to have another night together under the soft twinkle of the stars.

*-*-*-*-*

As Felix walked roughly three steps behind Chan, he got a view of a backpack and his blond hair that fell into place just right. He couldn't help but recall their meeting and Chan's moving story as they walked in silence, considering others' needs to sleep.

*-*-*-*-*

_Studying abroad was hard. Studying abroad by yourself ? That took the cake when it came to situations that made you want to fade into the walls. Chan had taken up the offer to study abroad in Korea at Seoul National University through their Astronomy Program. He had initially thought this was a wonderful idea - it was only for a semester and opened Chan up to something out of his comfort zone._

_However, it didn't play out that way. There were so many issues with his arrival that it made him stress to the point he would almost pull stands of his hair out. It was one thing after another. The roster had an error and he had no schedule. His roster error caused him to not have a dorm. As these things got sorted out, the college just stuck Chan into some one-star motel with dirty sheets and dog hair on the ground; and you can't forget the large stain that totally wasn't blood. At least, that's what he had convinced himself. The thought of it would always make him shudder._

_To Chan's delight, they only took two weeks to sort everything out. Perhaps it could've been faster, but he wasn't the type to complain after a solution had formed. Not only had they sorted out his classes perfectly, but the had set him up with a nice dorm in the wing specifically for those studying abroad or generally coming from outside South Korea._

_"Lee Felix. It's a pleasure to meet you, Chan," The brown-haired boy had said in a pitch that had caught Chan way off guard. His voice did not match his soft expression._

_"The pleasure is all mine, Felix," Chan spoke with a smile, and from that moment, the pair knew they would get along._

_The bond only strengthened from there. They learned they were both from Australia, but with one major difference; Felix had went to college overseas, whereas Chan was just studying abroad. They never truly questioned it though, it seemed Chan's leave was too far away to worry about._

*-*-*-*-*

Similar to Felix's thought process, Chan was also thinking about their history as friends, but a difference piece of it. Chan stopped focusing on introductions, as first impressions rarely were important once you got to know a person for them, not their first seven seconds.

*-*-*-*-*

_The semester finals had finally rolled around, and both Felix and Chan were stressed something horrible. Chan was having trouble memorizing the names of the stars making up the Corona Borealis and Felix was lacking inspiration for his creative writing project. One night, as Chan decided to go out and memorize the constellation by surveying it in the night sky, he looked over at a stressed Felix who clearly needed help._

_"Felix, why don't you come with me? Maybe hearing about the stars would provide some inspiration!"_

_That simple suggestion had helped Felix write a beautiful narrative filled with the most amazing plot, something he had gathered from a single constellation. On a day just before the writing was due, Felix needed one more good peer review. Who better to ask than his source of inspiration?_

_It was late that night, and Chan had absolutely the worst time trying to fall asleep. Fortunately, Felix had an idea. "Channie, why don't you come over here and I can read this to you? Perhaps you can give insight into the fluency. It's better than just wasting time staring at the ceiling as you try and force yourself to shut down."_

_Chan agreed, rubbing his sleepless eyes before sitting against the headboard of his roommate's bed, brushing up against Felix's body._

_"...Adrianne's complicated yet simple attempts to aid Theo in escaping Minho's threats and manipulative ways paid off, and she had finally pulled Theo from the maze that was his complications with Minho. The pair finally got their epic love story, resulting in a wedding so covered in jewels that Adrianne's dress was most likely visible from space when light touched it."_

_Felix had only then looked down at his shoulder to recognize what the sudden weight was. Chan had been falling asleep on his shoulder, and only opened his eyes upon hearing Felix finish. "That's all? What about the wedding? What happened to them?" He asked sleepily, and Felix chuckled quietly, putting his laptop away and adjusting the exhausted male so his head rested on Felix's chest, the latter slowly toying with his hair as he weaved together a beautiful sequel to his story only Chan would ever hear, one that would lull him to sleep for the first time in a while._

_From that moment on, they had an agreement that would benefit them both. But as always, friendships that seem like they're perfect are due to have hiccups, some that could lead to catastrophes._


	3. andromeda

Chan and Felix finally exited the building, a crisp breeze rolling over their skin and the smell of cut grass filling their nostrils, a scent so nostalgic for both of them but simultaneously so in-the-moment. Chan was the first to speak over the soft noises created by the lightly brushing of their shoes over the vibrant grass that glowed under the moon, or the wind murmuring through the trees as it whispered secrets only nature could comprehend. "I'm thinking we could lay the blanket out right here?" He suggested, reaching the middle of the courtyard where the trees ended and it was simply grass and sky. Felix nodded, prompting Chan to get out the blanket and spread it out, laying the pillows on the edge. Setting the bag down by the blanket, Chan spread out on his half of the blanket, leaving plenty of room for the freckled boy. Felix did the same, leaving space between the two.

Chan pointed out a constellation, wasting no time to weave his renditions of the story behind it. "See that cluster? That's the constellation Andromeda, a victim of someone else's actions," he began, the hook catching Felix's attention.

"See, her mom was arrogant. She thought she was the most beautiful being to exist, and she told the sea nymphs this without stuttering a single syllable." Chan spoke, Felix completely loving how he could see the sparkle of passion in his eyes, making the boy smile happily. He opted for getting closer, wrapping an arm around Chan's torso and laying his head directly over his heart, listening to the beating and letting his head move with the rise and fall of Chan's chest that accompanied each breath. "Hey, 'Lix, what are you up to?" Chan asked gently, pausing his story. So Felix shrugged lazily, looking up toward Chan slightly.

"I just like it better this way," he murmured, and who was Chan to argue with Felix's slightly sleepy tone that deepened his low voice further? It definitely didn't bug Chan.

"Okay," he started back up, fingers playing with Felix's soft orange hair in a soothing manner. "Andromeda. Where was I? Oh yeah, I remember. Anyways, her mom, Cassiopeia, was boastful as mentioned. This really got the sea nymphs going, and they decided they had enough of her arrogance. So they made Andromeda a sacrifice, chaining her to a rock overlooking the sea, her parents well aware she was at the disposal of the sea monster Cetus. Some great parents. Seriously. And I thought mine made bad decisions," The last there causing Felix to chuckle lightly.

"But luckily, the damsel in distress wasn't at the point of no return yet. Perseus, riding upon Pegasus, heard our fair lady's screams and came to her rescue, saving her from near death. Of course, the pair fell in love, since it was the perfect first date for them and her parents allowed them to be wed. Since, you know, he fixed their stupid mistake," Chan finished his tale, only to get a small, sleepy nod from Felix is response.

"Tired, 'Lix?" Chan questioned with a small chuckle, Felix grabbing onto Chans shirt slightly rather than just laying his arm over his torso.

"Mhm, just a little," Felix mumbled, followed by a yawn, causing Chan to laugh softly. He layed Felix down next to him, making the boy whine quietly.

Usually Chan and Felix would stay out for hours without fetting tired, but Felix had other ideas today. Chan got all of the stuff put away into the bag, tossing it over his shoulders before looking at the half-asleep Felix who was just collapsed onto the grass, showing no signs of wanting to move.

"Wow, 'Lix. You really are something else," Chan teased, picking Felix up bridal style and carrying him as he walked back toward the dorms. Felix wrapped his arms around Chan's neck, watching him with half-closed eyes, yawning a few more times on their way back.

As Chan got them inside their dorm, he set Felix down on his bed before taking his shirt off and settling in his own; but that wasn't good enough for Felix. After a few minutes, the boy got out of his own bed, finding his way over to Chan in the dark. Felix slid under his blanket and wrapped his arm around Chan's torso and hid his face in Chan's neck, figuring Chan was asleep.

He hadn't been sleeping and most definitely was not sleeping anytime soon because of this. He found their position slightly uncomfortable, adjusting Felix so they were laying like they had been outside, playing with Felix's hair. Chan's shirt was off though, and he found it slightly awkward - but if Felix didn't mind, neither did he. It wasn't long before Felix fell fully asleep holding onto Chan. While it took Chan significantly longer, he noticed having Felix there helped him more than he would like to admit.


	4. interest

Felix's eyes fluttered open as he saw sunlight stream in through the blinds, giving the room a glow. The first thing he noticed was the window being in an abnormal position. Usually it was to the left of him. The second? Chan's arms were around his waist. This little detail caused his eyes to widen. As much as he may have wanted to, he didn't move away. Chan looked so peaceful. 

Felix couldn't believe how normal it felt to have Chan's muscular arms around him. The small action made him feel safe. At home. Felix was always close to Chan because he understood what it was like to be so far from home. 

At this time, Felix allowed himself to calm back down and bury his head into Chan's neck, something he did without even registering it. Unknown to Felix, Chan was awake and fully okay with it, loving the way it felt so perfect. Chan listening to Felix's breathing until he realized the boy had fallen asleep once more, leaving Chan stuck in bed. Chan rested there and thought about the pair's relationship. He thought about the way people always thought the two were dating. He thought about the way Felix would always put his hand on the back of his neck and get defensive about it. He wondered what those things meant. It was no secret to him that Felix was gay.

 _"I would definitely do some things for him if he asked nicely,"_ Felix had said, watching Kai dance to Artificial Love for the millionth time.

 _"Not to be gay, but..."_ Felix would say before every single gay thing that left his lips.

 _'Leaving early, make San take you home. Found a hot guy,'_ Felix had texted that one night, breaking Chan's heart when he wasn't even sure why it hurt.

It was no secret Felix liked guys. A secret was what Felix felt toward Chan. Chan just wanted answers to questions he couldn't ask right.

He laid there in silence, completely still, for a few more minutes before he began to play with Felix's hair, slowly waking him up. "Chan? I'm in your bed," Felix said in his deep voice, laced with sleep that made it impossibly deeper. 

"I carried you here," Chan said with a small chuckle, finding it impossible to admit that the feeling of Felix in his arms was all too amazing and provided him with the best sleep he had obtained in a few weeks.

"Thanks," Felix mumbled, slowly getting up and rubbing his eyes before standing and checking his phone. "It's already one," he informed, checking his texts. "Wooyoung said his boyfriend San is throwing some kind of party tonight, are you in?" Felix asked, not expecting much. Chan wasn't one for parties.

Today was different. "Yeah, I'm in. You better not ditch me to hook up with someone again," Chan warned, sitting up and running fingers through his hair.

"It was one time," Felix reminded with a small laugh, getting clothes from his dresser and walking into the bathroom, the familiar sound of the shower filling Chan's ears moments later.

Chan grabbed his phone and went to text his close friend Jisung, needing to talk to someone for  bit. Jisung was the only person Chan saw fit.

 

**Jisung, we slept together.**

_So which of you topped?_

**Gross, not like that.**

**But he slept in my arms.**

_I don't see why this is an issue._

**Because, idiot, he's going to think I'm interested in him.**

_But you are._

**He doesn't need to know that.**

_Listen, Chan, it'll come out one way or another._

**But will it? I'm good at keeping secrets.**

**I didn't say anything about you and Minho on New Years.**

_You better not have._

_Quit changing the subject.._

 

"The shower is open," Felix said, startling Chan, who quickly shoved his phone under his blankets and looked over at him, finding himself staring at how amazing he looked with his wet hair and shining skin.

Chan nodded, grabbing his clothes before running off into the bathroom a little quicker than what would be considered normal, leaving Felix with a very confused look on his face.

After calming down and returning to plain old Chan, he left the bathroom with damp hair and wet skin. He absolutely hated the weir period between being soaking wet and completely dry once he left a source of water. He felt like a wet dog.

Chan sat on his bed like nothing happened, praying that this night would go as well as he hoped.

 

**\---**

Evening had approached and both boys were getting ready to leave. Chan had opted for a dark blue button up shirt tucked into black jeans, leaving the top few buttons open, exposing a moderate amount of chest. Felix dressed in some ripped jeans and a white short-sleeved shirt, something that was simple but made him look great. They both spent too much time on their makeup, something they would both deny. Chan was worried for what would happen, he could almost sense something would go wrong. Felix quickly realized this, hanging around Chan in the dorm all afternoon, being a bit overly touchy. It was his attempt in calming Chan. This only made Chan worse, having the boy he was so obviously into touching him in some way all day made him restless and flustered.

"Are you sure you're good?" Felix asked for the final time as they got their shoes on. Chan nodded.

"Of course, I'm excited," he said, giving Felix a small smile and running his fingers through his hair before opening the door.

 


	5. party

Felix drove the pair over to San's house, a two-story home off campus. Chan's nervosity was evident, filling the car with a slight tension Felix kept trying to break. He would lightly rest his hand on Chan's knee, gently reminding him he would be fine. This was only making him more tense.

"Chris," Felix began, using the name Chan allowed only him to use, "Why are you so nervous and tense?" He asked with a gentle tone, leaving Chan to melt in the passenger's seat.

"I'm not nervous. I just don't always enjoy parties due to the amount of people," Chan mumbled, looking over at Felix with an unreadable expression. Felix just responded with a nod, looking back at the road and finishing the drive to the already popular party, and the sun hadn't even began to set yet.

Felix parked the car and turned it off, looking over at Chan and smiling. "Come on, it won't be that bad," he said encouragingly. Chan nodded slightly, exiting the vehicle and sticking next to Felix as the pair walked towards the door. San and Wooyoung were standing by the entrance, quick to notice their friends. 

"Felix! Chan!" Wooyoung exclaimed, quick to give them tight hugs. San just laughed and waved, as he wasn't that close with the pair of Australians. As Felix and Wooyoung engaged in conversation, Chan began to walk off on his own.

He wandered into the house, presented with loud music and the very potent smell of alcohol. By observation, he noticed many of the partygoers were already completely drunk, something Chan couldn't help but chuckle at.

"Hey, baby boy, why don't you hang with me for a while?" A raspy voice asked as Chan felt a hand snake around his waist from behind. Chan shook his head, rushing away from the stranger as quick as he could. Usually, Chan would be flattered that at least someone intoxicated would fimd him attractive. Now, though, it felt wrong. Dirty. Like try here was someone Chan was supposed to be with. Someone Chan needed to be with. And even though he wanted to deny it, he knew exactly who that was.

At this point, Chan couldn't find Felix anymore in the sea of drunk college students, so he found an empty bedroom in San's house and sat there. He didn't care if people were probably waiting for their friend Chris to find them, Chan just wanted to be alone right now as he sorted out his head. He had brought some random form of alcohol in a cup with him, drinking it as he sat by the window. It was really starting to take its effect, and that's why Chan didn't want to believe what he saw next was real.

The door opened a bit and a pair slipped through, Chan not fully noticing the faces; mainly due to the fact they were against each other in a passionate kissing session. It wasn't until the boy with the familiar orange hair pushed the redhead down onto the bed that Chan fully grasped what was going on in front of him. Felix and San were about to hook up when San's boyfriend was literally just down the hall.

"What the hell, you two?" Chan began, dropping the half full cup of alcohol onto the ground, the liquid seeping into the carpet. At this moment, the blond didn't care.

Felix looked over at Chan, only now taking his mind off of sex to notice they weren't alone in the room. "Chris, I can explain. Just listen-" Felix was abruptly cut off by an angry Chan.

"No, you listen. Don't call me Chris, you definitely don't have my respect right now. I know you two are probably completely wasted at the moment, I can smell the alcohol on you two. That doesn't excuse this. San is dating Wooyoung. I don't know if you forgot, but Wooyoung is your best friend. You two have been through so much random stuff together, acting like this would ruin him and your friendship. Don't lead with the notion you can keep it a secret. I would never hide this from one of my closest friends to save your ass. This was your decision. Come on Felix, you're so much better than this," Chan closed, his voice shaking just as much as his hands.

Felix was amazed by the emotion and volume of Chan's voice, he was usually so calm and quiet. Felix hadn't heard Chan yell before. "Chris, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make such a stupid decision."

"Call me Chris one more time tonight Felix, let's see what happens," Chan said in a suddenly quiet voice, picking the plastic disposable cup up and throwing it at Felix before looking at San. "Wooyoung is my best friend. You're a shitty boyfriend who doesn't deserve him," He said softly before exiting the room, leaving the pair in shock.

Chan walked back to the campus dorms in the dark, tears running down his cheeks that he tried so hard to ignore. Felix was a drug for Chan; he wanted to rid of him at times because he could do more harm than good, but Felix was so addictive. The pain and heartbreak that was attached to each of Felix's one-night stands made Chan feel something. Getting his heart stomped on made him acknowledge he had one somewhere in him. It wasn't good for him to feel this way, but it was the only thing Chris knew in the last few months. It was something he had confessed to Jisung, his friend just sighed and shook his head.

Jisung. He didn't have Wooyoung, he didn't have Felix, but he had Jisung. Rather than go up to the fourth floor of the dorms, he stayed on the ground level, quickly finding himself at the door of his trusted buddy. He knocked softly, immediately breaking down into tears again once he saw Jisung's face.

"Woah, Channie, what's going on?" Jisung asked, clearly worried as he closed the door and hugged Chan tightly.

Chan sat on the couch with Jisung before explaining everything that happened, Jisung just nodding and adding in a word here and there.

"I see," Jisung started after Chan concluded his retelling of the night. "What do you want me to do to help?"

Maybe it was the alcohol in his system. Maybe it was out of spite. Perhaps Chan just wanted a distraction from his reality.

"Make the pain go away, Jisung."

And Jisung did just that. He fulfilled his friend's one request, but in a way that both of them would regret in the morning when they woke up tangled together in the same bed.


	6. hoodie

Chan woke up the next morning wrapped in Jisung's arms with two prominent pains. The first was located in his head, a throbbing headache from what he could only assume was the aftermath of the alcohol. The other was a stinging irritation in his inner thigh, something that confused him on many levels.

Chan pulled the blanket off the pair to see neither of them were dressed. This made Chan panic. A lot of what happened after the Felix incident was a blur for him. His suspicions were confirmed when he turned his leg slightly and looked at the inside of his left thigh to find a bruising bite that he could only assume was the work of his best friend who still had an arm around Chan.

"Jisung?" Chan whispered quietly, lightly shaking the boy next to him with recently colored blue hair. Jisung stirred slightly, but didn't wake at all.

"Jisung!" Chan said a bit louder, trying to wake the boy without losing his temper. Jisung opened his eyes slightly, remembering the night before instantly.

"Channie! Are you feeling okay after what happened last night?" Jisung said, his arm not around Chan anymore, but holding the Australian's hand.

"I don't know, Jisung. I'm confused as to why I ended up naked in your bed," Chan said, before fully remembering the blur that was the events at Jisung's. "Oh my god," he whispered, looking at Jisung with an expression that was one part guilt and one part something else that Jisung couldn't figure out.

"Before you freak out, Chan, hear me out. Being around Felix and his antics only hurts you. All I wanted to do was make you take your mind off him for one time. Last night was so much more to me than a one-night stand. I finally realized that I've entirely fell for you. I hid behind encouraging words about the Felix situation while I sorted my feelings out. I listened to your rambling while I was unstable. Maybe you should give 'us' some thought before you go endlessly chasing after someone you can never have."

Jisung's words left Chan frozen in his place. Han Jisung? One of his closest friends? The one who approached him first when nobody else cared about the Australian kid on campus? Han Jisung asked him out? At least, that's what Chan rationalized this situation to be, although the circumstances were anything but normal. This could be Chan's escape. He could get away from the thoughts of Felix. He could finally have the affection and care he longed for. Jisung understood his unique personality. Jisung knew every secret Chan held. Jisung was, theoretically, perfect for Chan - except for the whole Felix issue. If Chan tried to invest himself in a relationship with Jisung, many negative outcomes could be possible. He could end up hurting both of them.

Then again, dating Jisung had enough benefits in the meantime.

Chan focused back on Jisung, a smile creeping onto his lips. "If you were trying to ask me out, I wholeheartedly accept," he said softly. The moment the words left his mouth, Jisung had pulled Chan into a kiss that was soft and sweet. Maybe this isn't what Chan thought he had wanted, but it was what he got.

Felix could be something Chan worried about later. In this moment, in Jisung's arms, he felt calm and at peace for the first time in a while. Chan actually felt like himself, not holding his breath. Perhaps Felix and Chan weren't supposed to end up together.

_"Staying over with Jisung for a while today, not sure if I'll sleep here or not."_

_Reading that message, Felix was presented with a feeling he couldn't quite define. He was upset about the events the previous night and to add to the stress he couldn't tell if Chan was still angry with him. If only Felix knew the whole story. If Felix was aware that Jisung and Chan were cuddling and sharing sweet kisses in Jisung's bed while Chris was wearing one of Jisung's hoodies, Felix would only have one thing on his mind._

_He would be absolutely pissed, ready to fight Jisung or something similar. Yet, he would prepared to deny he felt anything other than happiness for Chan's exciting life change._


	7. blanks

Felix was a nervous wreck the following day as he waited for Chan to get back to the dorm. Felix didn't suspect anything romantic going on between Jisung and his fellow Australian, he just assumed Chan was too upset to come home right away (which Felix understood).

Felix was sitting on his bed writing when Chan walked into the dorm, giving Felix a small smile before moving toward his dresser and looking for a change of clothes. He was in his same pants and Jisung's hoodie, which was probably his now.

After selecting a pair of basketball shorts and a plain black shirt, he slipped away to the bathroom to change. Felix still suspected nothing, which was about to change a bit. As Chan walked back into the room, the shirt exposed his neck and chest just enough for Felix to spot what looked like hickeys, making him question every peaceful thought he had reasoned since that night. Either Chan was lying about where he had been, or he had slept with Jisung. Both scenarios made Felix abnormally upset, even though Felix didn't think he should care if Chan was dating someone. He settled on trying to bite his tongue for now, he didn't want to fight with him at the moment.

"So, Chris, how was Jisung's?" Felix asked calmly, turning in his bed to face his friend before shutting his laptop and setting it on the nightstand.

"Jisung's was fine. We didn't really do much," he replied, looking up from his phone at Felix for a split second before going back to texting, smiling at his screen.

"Oh, that's cool. Chris, I'm sorry about the night at the party," Felix said quietly, slowly realizing how bad of a mistake he almost made.

"It's fine, 'Lix. You were drunk and probably just trying to get someone else's attention," Chan mumbled, trying to be rational for once.

_Yeah, yours,_ Felix wanted to say, but instead he just nodded. Felix couldn't let himself believe he actually felt something of that nature toward his best friend. Felix was  _not_  in love with Chan.

"Anyways," Chan said, ignoring the heavy silence Felix had created.

Felix was quick to cut him off. "Who gave you those?" He asked in a slightly aggressive voice, pointing at the various marks on Chan's neck and chest. Chan was caught off guard by how harsh Felix spoke in comparison to just a few minutes ago.

"Jisung," Chan mumbled, looking down at his bed and playing with the blankets, trying to abstain from all eye contact.

"What the fuck? You yell at me for trying to get together with a friend and immediately go after Jisung?" Felix spat, his voice quickly climbing in volume.

"Jisung doesn't have a boyfriend," Chan replied quickly, his voice becoming quieter as if he gave his volume to Felix.

"Bullshit. All I see is him posting today about how happy he is to have his amazing boyfriend!" Felix was basically shouting now, his mind refusing to fill in the blanks.

"He's posting about me," Chan whispered quietly, barely even audible. Which is why Felix didn't hear it.

"You knew, didn't you? You're just such a whore you need dick from anyone you can get," Felix shouted before immediately regretting his words. But the damage had been done. Chan looked up toward Felix with tears running down his cheeks, shoulders trembling with each quiet sob. Felix had finally broken Chan down to a mess.

"I'm leaving for a few days," he whispered, not bothering to wipe his tears as he stuffed some things in a bag to bring with him.

"Chris..." Felix let his voice trail off, reaching out and holding Chan's hand delicately.

"Don't," Chan said softly, pulling his hand back and grabbing his phone and charger. He dialed Jisung's number as he walked out of the dorm, leaving Felix stunned and hurt. Mostly just angry with himself.

_Meanwhile..._

"He yelled at me and called me a whore because he wasn't listening," Chan sobbed into his phone as he walked to his boyfriend's dorm. Jisung was in his car driving home from running some errands and really didn't want Chan to cry alone while he was gone.

"Baby, it's okay. You just need to breathe. Felix is probably just shocked, he'll realize his mistakes soon enough," Jisung said soothingly, but he knew he had some words (and actions) for Felix when he got home.

Chan and Jisung hung up not long after that due to the fact Jisung was almost home. Chan moved himself to Jisung's bed, stealing one of his boyfriend's hoodies and slipping it on. As Jisung walked into the bedroom a few minutes later and saw Chan crying in his sweatshirt, he couldn't help but sigh and sit next to him.

"Chrissie, calm down," He whispered, lightly kissing Chan's forehead. He was so frustrated Felix could break Chan like this. Felix was about to get a taste of his own medicine, Jisung was certain of that.


	8. step one

It had been four days.

Four long days since Felix had last seen Chan. The scene of Chris flying out of the dorm in tears and slamming the door kept replaying in his mind, wondering how he could've made things go better. Oh, there was one thing he could've done differently: not be a ridiculous brat and call his closest friend a whore.

He still didn't understand why he got so upset over the thought of Chan in another man's arms. Another man's bed. Even just thinking about it now made his hands ball into fists, knuckles white.

Had it been four days?

Four short days since Chan had left the dorm crying to Jisung on the phone. He had spent those four days practically glued to Jisung. They slept together, held hands whenever they left the house, and did everything in between by each other's side.

Having Jisung with him helped Chan ignore the stinging pain in his heart from Felix's blow up; but it was definitely still there. He couldn't just forget what Felix did, since it was kind of unforgivable. It wasn't like Felix was so pure that he didn't have one-night stands every other weekend.

Four days had passed. And now Chan needed his clothes. In one of Jisung's hoodies and his last pair of clean jeans, he left Jisung's dorm to go get his things. Jisung wanted to come with him, but Chan knew it would end poorly, most likely in a restraining order. Chan planned on making his small visit to Jisung's an extended stay; however, he didn't plan on fully moving out just yet.

Walking into the dorm, Chan immediately saw Felix sitting on his bed and noticed he looked like a mess. Tired, sad, guilty, and frustrated were just a few emotions he picked up from his expression. "Hey," he said quietly, moving toward his drawers to grab a few things (mainly clothes).

"Chan! You're back!" Felix said, a large smile painting his features. Which nearly broke Chan.

"I'm just grabbing some things," Chan informed, making Felix's smile drop. "I'm not officially moving dorms yet. I just need more time."

Felix nodded, getting up and giving Chan a slight hug for moments before quickly disappearing to the bathroom, returning with a bag with Chan's makeup and other items. "Here, Chris," he said quietly.

Chan took it from Felix, giving him a slight smile. "Thanks, Lixxie."

Before Felix had fully registered Chan was going to leave again, he was gone. Mind broken down and heart shattered, Felix texted Wooyoung again, even though he knew it would hurt Chan and San if they found out. He just needed relief. Wooyoung could provide it. Maybe it wasn't the smartest of ideas, but it worked right now.

Felix waited for Wooyoung to give San an excuse to show up at his dorm, but he never showed. Wooyoung knew better than that, thank god. However, this left Felix alone. To try and cope, Felix drank way too much alcohol and sat there. He had one chance with Chan and he blew it away.

Meanwhile, Chan was in Jisung's bed, the latter holding Chan in his arms. "He was so happy to see me," he mumbled, Jisung shaking his head in return.

"Felix wasn't happy to see you. Felic doesn't like you, Channie," Jisung said, voice dripping with affection.

"I guess you're right," Chan mumbled quietly, burying his head in Jisung's chest and slowly falling asleep.

Jisung was content. See, that was step one; he had almost completed the first step of his plan faster than he expected. Being ahead of schedule was good - it meant he could enjoy the process just a bit more. He might as well have a little fun, right?


	9. karaoke

_Step one: get Chan off his side._

Jisung highlighted that line in his memo of his notes app, smirking to himself. He put his phone away just as Chan came back in from the bathroom.

"Hey, baby," Jisung said softly, making Chan smile as he crawled into the bed with Jisung. Chan rested his head on Jisung's shoulder, humming softly.

"Hey, babe. Did we have any plans tonight?" Chan asked, kissing Jisung's cheek sweetly.

"We're going out to karaoke!" Jisung announced, making Chan laugh softly.

_Step two: Restrict his freedoms slightly._

Chan dressed in a black t-shirt and ripped jeans that exposed his thighs notably. He went out to Jisung before they left, who just shook his head. "Baby, different pants. I don't want people seeing what's mine," Jisung said in a tone that was both gentle and threatening.

Chan tried to argue, but Jisung's disappointed expression won Chan over, and he left the room to put on jeans without any tears. As long as Jisung was pleased, it wasn't a big deal.  _Right?_

_Step three: submission in public._

The pair arrived to the bar that was packed with people. Smoke passed through the air from all corners and the entire building smelled like alcohol. Chan stuck to Jisung; not because he wanted to, but he felt that when he walked away from Jisung, there would be trouble. Jisung loved that Chan was doing everything Jisung wanted, just right.

That is, until Felix was on the small stage. Chan had never pegged the boy for a singer, but knew he was into Day6. So when Felix chose headache as his song to sing, Chan was surprised for two reasons. One, Felix was able to sing it perfectly. The emotion the song held was astounding. Felix had the right amount of pain in his voice. The longing. The loss of hope.

This, of course, led into the second thing Chan noticed. Felix must've realized he was be there, because his eyes met Chan's and tears visibly filled Felix's eyes as he sang; Chan felt as if Felix was singing to him and him only.

"It's okay to hurt me  
At least in my head  
Would you rather be a headache?  
At least then I can feel you  
It's really okay  
Would you please get angry and curse?  
So that I can feel you."

The chorus just sounded so real to Chan, making him ache something horrible inside. He tried to hide what was going on from Jisung by downing a shot and giving him a kiss. But, as both Chan could feel and Felix could see, Chan didn't really love Jisung like he thought he did.

As Felix finished his song, he took one last breath before stepping off the stage. Chan gave Jisung one more kiss and ran off, talking to the person running the karaoke. He selected I Want You by Savage Garden, a song in english that was essentially an obscure 90's love song. As Chan began the opening part, Felix and him made eye contact, brought back to a night they tried to push down and blame on alcohol.

_Chan and Felix both laughed as they sat on their beds, clearly intoxicated. "Felix, since you just made me sit through Cardi B, I'm bringing a song to force you through," Chan said, pulling up I Want You on his phone and hitting play. Instantly, Chan was captivated by the beat and the music. The song was everything Chan felt towards Felix. As Felix listened and watched Chan sing quietly, everything clicked for him; Felix was in love with Chan - but he was convinced Chan didn't love him._   
_"Chris," Felix had whispered, moving onto Chan's bed. Chan just looked at him silently until their lips met. It was for mere seconds, then Chan left. It was the night he would go stay with their friend Woojin, crying to him before finally sleeping on his couch. The pair never spoke of what happened, and silently blamed it on the alcohol._

It was never the alcohol. They pushed it away because they were scared. But now both of them could no longer hide it. They were both so in love.

_"Oh, I want you,_   
_I don't know if I need you,_   
_But oh, I'd die to find out."_

As Chan finished his song, he smiled at Jisung before walking to the bathroom. Felix found his way in without Chan or Jisung noticing. He wrapped his arms around Chan's waist, who was crying in front of the mirror. "Chris, baby, I'm so sorry," Felix whispered, Chan just turning around and hugging him.

"I'm sorry too, I love y-"

"What the hell, Chan?"


	10. kiss

_**possible tw: slight abuse (physical & verbal), ** _ _**fighting, as well as** _ _**talk about death and a description of suicide (not the actual scene: just everything before and after). please take this into consideration before reading this chapter, I don't want anyone in emotional pain on a serious level that could affect their mental health.** _

 

 

_"Chris, baby, I'm so sorry," Felix whispered, Chan just turning around and hugging him._

_"I'm sorry too, I love y-"_

_"What the hell, Chan?"_

\--

Chan released Felix and looked toward Jisung with a scared expression. "Jisungie.. I.." His words trailed off, Jisung walking over to the pair of Australians. Without speaking a word, he raised his hand and slapped Chan. It took mere seconds for a visible mark to cover his cheek.

"No. You don't get to speak," Jisung snapped, leaving Chan crying and Felix fuming.

"And you don't get to assault your boyfriend," Felix began.

"Who isn't your boyfriend anymore," Chan finished. Both Felix and Jisung glanced toward the crying boy, who looked at Jisung with a look that was both disappointment and anger. "Jisung. I have you all figured out. You waited until I was at my lowest point and tried to take me from those who loved me. You tried to corrupt me and break me down, succeeding in the latter. You're worse than anyone I know. And Felix, I'm so sorry. I should've given you a second chance." Before Chan could go any further, he was stopped.

It almost took place in slow motion. Jisung - who had heard enough - quickly lurched forward and wrapped his hand around Chan's neck, pushing him against the wall. "No. You can't leave me, Channie. I've done so much for you. Fuck you, Chan. I hope you finally go through with killing yourself like you used to say you would." As Jisung finished his verbal assault, Felix rushed toward Jisung and pulled him away from the man he loved so much, tackling him to the ground and punching him repeatedly, Jisung trying to return the swings to the best of his ability. Felix, however, was a lot quicker and more experienced when it came to any form of combat, meaning Jisung was definitely taking the worst of the blows. As much as Chan hated Jisung, he didn't want Felix hurt or doing something that he would regret.

"Stop, Felix!" Chan cried, grabbing his arms. "Let's just go home. Together." Felix stopped, looking at the sobbing Australian. He nodded, stood, and grabbed Chan's hand as they walked away. Well, they ran, but close enough.

\---

"There, that's the last of it," Wooyoung said, setting the last bag on Chan's bed a few weeks after the bathroom incident had occurred. "Jisung wasn't happy, but we got it all out."

"Thanks, guys," Felix said with a small smile. Wooyoung left with San, as the pair had moved stuff from Jisung's so the Australians didn't have to see him.

"Hey, Chris," Felix said gently, sitting by Chan on Felix's bed. "I'm so sorry for everything. It was primarily my fault. I never intended for all of this to take place." Chan looked at Felix, seeing the tears slowly forming in his eyes. The tone of his voice broke down Chan's walls, his loving gaze making his lingering frustration crumble.

"God, sometimes you're such a dork," he whispered, kissing Felix's cheek gently. Felix chuckled, shaking his head.

"I can think of somewhere else you could kiss." Chan's face reddened at Felix's words.

"What?"

"Do I need to show you?"

Chan laughed quietly and shrugged, looking at Felix with a small smile, one that was slightly fake to hide the nervous undertones of Chan's mood. 

Felix looked into Chan's eyes to see a slight gloss over them, a tell-tale sign Chan would soon cry. The last thing Felix wanted to see was Chan cry again. He deserved the world. Chan deserved to smile, even if it meant Felix was holding his pain, which is exactly why he leaned in at that moment, closing the gap between their lips.

As their lips came together, a rush of emotion hit both of the boys. Chan was overwhelmed by the way their lips fit together like puzzle pieces, whereas Felix was amazed by the way Chan's lips felt even better than he could have ever imagined. Essentially, it was perfect. At least, it should have been perfect. However, Chan's heart wasn't entirely there. Since Jisung had uttered those words in that bathroom, Chan hadn't been emotionally stable in any way. The intrusive thoughts he used to deal with were coming back full swing and he couldn't stop them.

As Felix pulled away from the soft kiss, he was oblivious to what Chan had been thinking about. "God, Chris, I'm in love with you. I would do anything if it meant we were together," Felix said gently, taking both of Chan's hands into his own. Chan smiled weakly, but made it seem shy rather than fake.

"I love you too, 'Lix. I want to spend the rest of my life with you," Chan whispered, looking Felix straight in the eyes.

' _Not that it's going to be much longer before my life is over,'_   Chan thought, studying every inch of Felix's face like he was attempting to commit it to memory.  Sadly, the moment the pair shared was over too soon, Felix's friend needed him for something of "extreme importance."

With Felix out of the house, Chan made up his mind to finally go through with what he had been considering since Jisung had began controlling him. Once he was certain Felix wouldn't be returning for a while, he found the letter he had written a few days prior and set in on Felix's pillow. Once the envelope was placed where it needed to be, Chan walked into the bathroom. Breath unsteady and tears falling down his face, Chan sunk down to the floor near the cabinet below the sink. He reached out for the handle to the door, hands visibly shaking. After opening the cabinet, he reached for a pack of razor blades. After taking the blades out of the package, Chan sat down in the bathtub, tears falling down his face.

\--

It was a few minutes later when Felix walked back in, having forgotten his phone. Right as he stepped in, he was hit with a horrible smell he quickly realized was blood. He didn't see Chan anywhere, and the last place to check was the bathroom. As Felix swung the door open, he was immediately hit with tears and ran over to the bathtub. "Chan, no. Oh my god," he cried out, grasping the phone he had located and dialing for 911. It took all of his strength to complete the call, everything freezing and blending together as first responders arrived and took Chan away. Everything was a blur as he was brought with to the hospital, sitting in the waiting room with Wooyoung holding him close as he waited for any news, good or bad, from the doctor. 

Felix had no comprehension of what was going on around him. He barely understood his own thoughts that were essentially just self-blame and anger mixed with sadness, loss, and guilt. He could barely recognize the arm around him being Wooyoung's. Felix had no idea there was an envelope addressed to him on his pillow. He had no idea what was even taking place.

The only time he noticed and understood anything was when the doctor walked his way with an unreadable expression, ready to speak to Felix.

 


	11. love

Medical terminology was all that left the doctor's mouth besides one closing statement.

_"He lost too much blood before the ambulance got there. I'm so sorry, we did everything we could."_

"No," Felix said in a nearly silent whisper, followed by a cry of the same word that grabbed Wooyoung's attention. Vision blurred and mind barely working, Felix could hardly recall the process of all of the medical and legal things he had to do, along with Wooyoung taking him back to the dorm. 

"Lixxie, let's just get some of your things and then you can stay with San and I for as long as you need," Wooyoung said gently before he opened the door to the dorm. Fortunately, San had come in and cleaned all of the blood while Wooyoung was with Felix at the hospital.

Walking into the dorm, Felix felt numb as he headed toward Chan's bed. Wooyoung watched as he fell onto it before he began to cry, all of the pain and guilt and blame mixing together to create the stinging feeling he was bearing. After a solid half hour of crying while Wooyoung tried to get things together, Felix was angry. He was angry with Chan and his decision. He grabbed the stupid astronomy textbook Chan loved so much and threw it at the wall, leaving a decent mark. Wooyoung sat down by Felix, pulling him close as he began to cry again.

\---

Felix had spent two and a half months with Wooyoung and San. He wasn't getting any better, crying at 3am had become a hobby. The day he went to the dorm, he had picked up the letter Chan left on his pillow, but hadn't opened it yet. Rather, he stuffed it away refusing to read it or even acknowledge it.

Felix hadn't left their house since he walked in. He spent his days in Chan's shirts or hoodies, crying as he tried to stay close to the one he loved. He refused to do anything. Both San and Wooyoung saw that this needed to be changed soon. Mourning was okay, but Felix was slowly leading himself to insanity. They knew that Felix desperately required closure, so they had Wooyoung dig out the letter and leave it on Felix's pillow.

Felix walked into his bedroom that night and saw the letter laying on the pillow, reading what Chan had put on the envelope.

_"Read this when the chaos is over, Lix."_

Felix opened the letter with shaking hands, unfolding the paper before beginning to read.

 

_Lixxie-_

_I know if you're reading this, you're hurting and feel broken. I know you probably are angry with me, which I understand. I know I didn't explain anything before it happened, and that this is the only thing to provide you with answers you're searching for._

_Yes, this was planned in advance. This letter is written most likely a few days prior to what happened._

_No, you did not cause it. Between Jisung's physical and verbal abuse, my depression and suicidal tendencies, and so many other things, I don't have any other way out. I'm a waste of space and materials._

_Felix, I love you so much. Words cannot describe how you make me feel. I'm glad my last memories will be with you. I want you to know that you were the only reason I was alive for the first year of college. You saved me. It's just that I couldn't be saved any longer._

_Please don't waste your life on missing me. You can do so much with your writing and be successful, I don't want to hold you back. I want the best for you, and I don't think I was part of what would be best for you._

_You were an amazing friend to me and an even better unofficial lover. Neither of us were influenced by alcohol the night we first kissed. I'm sorry I had run away like that. I hope you never forget our late nights on the field and use what I talked about to help your writing._

_With all the love in the world,_

_Chris_

 


	12. starry night

_Channie,_

_It's hard to believe it's been five years since you left us. I miss your beautiful smile every day. Wooyoung and San just got married! Even though you couldn't be there with us, you were Wooyoung's real best man._

_We took Jisung to court and got him on domestic violence among other things involving your death and some eventual drug charges. He won't be around any of us any time soon._

_I adopted a little girl once I graduated, right around a year after your passing. Her mother hadn't lived through childbirth, so I had to name her. Her name is Andromeda, but most people use Andi. She just turned four. She has your love for stars and space already, it's almost like she's actually your daughter. She saw a photo of us together and asked about you. I told her all about how amazing you are. She thinks of you as her second daddy, even without you around. I told her that you live in the stars now, so when we go outside at night she always tries to find you. It's quite adorable, honestly._

_I miss you every day. My love for you never loses any passion, it never ceases. I'm never going to be over you, dear. You're amazing and I love you. I think it'll always hurt, but everyday I can talk about you and smile a bit more. Andi and I love you so much. You may not be with us physically, but I know you're always watching us from the sky on every single **starry night.**_

**_your love,_ **

**_felix._ **

__

_**\--** _

**Starry Night: A Chanlix Story.**

**Finished: June 25, 2019.**


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